All words to not reflect the thoughts of this author, viewer discretion is advisededid:
I. Touching: So clinical studies show the "Matrishe-ordering" refrenced simply as, she, prefers her ass licked in trials over rubbing it on tree bark. This category has achieved clinical mastery. She's coming out of the forest with this.
II. Tasting: We've conducted a variety of studies involving flavored wraps. One experiment offered a buffet of flavor, the favorite option was take your grandma to the Golden Coral, only it ended with blue balls, so we have decided to try a different experiment. Now we have the pucker tucker. The aim is to promote pleasure in the valley. It's a full course meal that ends with blueberry pie. We will observe how it ends. This area hasn't quite achieved clinical mastery, but we are on our way to understanding these nooks and crannies. So far, she does prefer the trial flavor wraps over the taste of tree bark. She might come out of the forest with this.
III. Hearing: She likes the sound of waterfalls. She likes the sound of wild animals. Sometimes the clinical trial wins, other times it's nature. We did a trial with Kazoos. She liked that a lot. We also did a trail with trumbones. Someone poked their eye out. We are still handling the case. We can't explain it, but nature seems to win out on this one. Wood peckers up the shaft and Flies on Venus Traps...One is percussive, the other the sound of subtle and silent death. She's intrigued. The mocking bird as well. Clinical trials show we need serious improvement in this area. It's a 50 50 shot. Even the sound of the swaying tree find favor at times over french horns and bag pipes.
IV. Seeing: 20 20 visions. Clinical trails show success in this area. She'd rather look at designer threads than pine straw and dead leaves. The TV inspires her behavior in ways that electrify all interests. This is our dominant instrumentation to coax our little deer from her tree playground. We've noted, sometimes she still happy there, so if you tape leafs onto different parts of the body, that too can provide the needed visual to inspire new forms of touch and discover.
V. Smelling: Clinical trials and a SWOT analysis have determined this is our weak spot. Smells aren't good at holding the needed control line, for clinical studies of course. She still prefers the smell of nature over most premium smell offerings. We have achieved the needed, "when musty nuts taste expensive" outcome, even if they still smell musty, involving seeing and touching...just a name brand and eqyptian cotton covering up the ol' rocky road does the trick. She'll dance for that. However, we still are attempting to achieve premium smells. If musty nuts taste expensive, and she'll do a dance for that, why not one's dick on expensive shit evervescence doing the trick. Premium smells could be the next big thing. Think our version of metaphysical dick on expensive shit. We've tried a variety of things to coax her out of nature with that one, and still nature wins. The smell of pine tree wins over last nights Texas Roadhouse even if old faithful is adorned with egyptian cotton. So now, we have a new clinical study, a new line of designer douches. We have obsession by Calvin Klein douche. We have CKO for non-binary assholes, which seems kind of douchy, we know. It's lauging at an expense, and we know. We are working on that too, if we can just achieve the expense at the other end; Then we are told that's okay. Just as long as we can keep her happy! We might need a rework of the brand name as well. Maybe something a bit more hallmark hall of fame, like fabulous flatulence for him/her/they. Something for everyone. We ALL want that. We are also considering for the inner earth muffin, love your inner nature campaign...something to inspire the embrace of what we all love, nature, like fudgsicle and brownie bite smells...One of our first clincial trials will introduce subjects to a SCAT sanctuary. If we can just get her to participate. She likes playing in the dirt, gardening and things like that, so if we can somehow offer a similar experience. We need her with us. Nature has enough trees with woodland creatures caressing her every shaft. We need friends too! This has to work.
